Jan 302012
 

82467[1]By Thilo Graf

This is 1 page front cover, 1 page paper stands of ghouls from Clerics of the Midwest.

Wow. My degree of nerdiness has officially reached a point, that surpasses even “has no life” and potentially devolves into absorbing the life of other people, only to come out with zero. Why? Because I’m typing this, but let me elaborate:

This pdf makes me reconsider my hobby, my life, everything – after having stared in the badly-made-cgi-faces that seem to come, quality-wise, straight from the age of Ultima 7’s ending sequence, nothing will ever be the same. One model has been given different colours for convenience’s sake, both male and female.

The blank faces, the arthritic pose that makes you want to help them rather than run away, the white, clinically clean finger-nails that fall so extremely flat of being believable claws make these creatures look like victims of an addiction to cosmetic surgery, which would also explain the female model’s black eyes, which are absent from the male’s, who instead sneers the quintessential constipated sneer of an undead whose gastric tract has seen no regular motion in weeks. Both his and her poses seem to suggest that they are trying to squeeze out something, but what? I have no clue.

I managed to skip a dead-fetus-joke there, mainly because I don’t know whether these things ever had the ability to give birth, after all, regular races usually don’t turn neon pink, garish orange, nickelodeon gack-green or blue like a smurf. Smurf. That’s it! These are undead ghoul SMURFS seen through the prism of a care-bears rainbow-ray: They don’t want to eat your flesh, they only have problems with their bowel movements. By the way, let’s play the game “guess the color of their teeth”!

Pink is easy! (Hint: The male smokes!)

Male yellow, female white.

Orange? (The girl ate too many carrots…)

Yep, yellow.

Now it’s getting interesting! Orange Male?

GREEN! Yep.

The green chick has white teeth, but what color has the green guy’s gum?

….

Correct! Blue!

And our dear undead smurfs?

….

Female Blue, Male…PINK!

Because everyone knows that Ghouls aren’t white, fleshy or even darkened, moldy and decayed, but rather constipated smurfs that put too much lipstick on/subsist on a diet of cosmetic products.

There you go. I just provided you with all fun, every tiny bit of utility that can be squeezed from this 14 megs-big turd of a file. You’re welcome, only promise me one thing – stay away from the undead smurfs. On the other hand…perhaps this is a propaganda pamphlet of the cosmetic industry that subconsciously wants you to start using AND eating their products in order to sell more? I don’t know, I don’t care and I’ve devoted more time to writing this review than the creators to their file.

0 stars, unfortunately depicted as 1.

Endzeitgeist out.

The Untold Undead is available from:

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Paco G. Jaen

Born in Spain with a talent for dyslexia, I am gamer, player, graphic designer, photographer and psycotherapist. Also online magazine publisher and writer. Yep.. I do lead a busy life!