paranoia[1]I won’t tell you everything. No, I won’t tell you anything. You must be with them, otherwise why has she suggested that I write to you? That’s because they’ve got to you, but they won’t get to me! I will not tell them anything either, even if they keep giving me these medicine, though I’m sure they’re not medicines, I have seen medicines before and they don’t look like these.

But you must know that too because I’m sure you’re with her by now. I can’t trust you. I won’t!

She said that writing to you would make things better. It’d “help me get things off my chest”. Yeah, like the symbols she carved on my chest too. She thinks I don’t know. She thinks I was still unconscious when that happened but i wasn’t and she said I did that to myself but I DIDN’T, YOU HEAR ME!

So you can tell her that I won’t cooperate with whatever nonsense she thinks she is doing. I won’t tell her where it is and I won’t tell you either. I know you want to know and I know what you’ll do with it if you find it and I won’t let it happen. No one should go there again. It doesn’t leave you even if you leave it. It’s here now even if I can’t see it, but you know that too don’t you? You know what she has told you but not what I haven’t gold you and I won’t tell you. I won’t tell anyone. Not even you.

So what’s next eh? Who else are they going to get to know that they have got to you? My mother? She is the easiest to manipulate. All her séance nonsenses will make her gullible. But I know what you’ll do so I won’t tell her either. She wouldn’t know what to do with it anyway. And she’d give it to you, so I won’t tell her. So leave her alone. Even if she believes I did this to myself. I DIDN’T!!

And you won’t find my daughter! I know where she is and she’s too far from you to find her. And she doesn’t know anything. SHE KNOWS NOTHING! I wouldn’t put her through what I have gone through. The place, the place is still here and it won’t go away. Not even when I sleep. Those colours

Enough! I can’t tell you any more. I won’t. I know what she’ll do with whatever I tell you and I know what you’ll do with whatever I tell you.

You’ve probably been with her from the start haven’t you? You married me just so you could get close to me and find out where it is. But I didn’t tell you, did I? I was cleverer than you even if I didn’t know your perfidious machinations at the time.

Oh how happily you let me rest in your arms and how sweetly you spoke to me and asked me “about work at the university”. How tenderly you handed me my briefcase every morning and kissed me in the cheeks in a futile attempt to make me tell you what I knew. But I didn’t. I wanted to but a subtle voice told me inside to stop myself and not reveal my secrets. Not even to you. Not even when you carried my daughter I trusted you were fully mine. I could tell in your eyes.

And now you have lost me. You have lost me because you didn’t have the glint in your eye. You didn’t look at me, you looked at someone else. Something else. Did you know about that place?

That’s it, isn’t it! You NEW! All this time I have been a fool thinking you blessed by ignorance but you knew all this time. Is that why you got me here? It wasn’t anything to do with the damage at the university, it was YOU. You and your father!

Now I can see that! Why would he give me money to fund my trip? Why would he, a businessman, be interested in archaeology? Why would he possibly want to know if I had excavated anything interesting? Why was he interested in any writings?

WHY!?

I know why, because he is also looking for it. He also wants to go to that place, but I won’t let you go. I won’t let anyone go. I won’t let IT COME HERE!

So you can tell her that. You can tell her I know she will read this. And that I know she’s watching me when I am alone. And I know what she wants and I won’t give it to her and one day she will suffer for what she is doing to me.

And you? I don’t want to see you again and I don’t want to write to you again. You will not slip into my mind with your soft hands and your gentle voice pretending to be my wife when you are just another of their pawns looking for my knowledge.

You think I am insane but you haven’t been there. And you won’t, so you can kill me now. You can torture me all you want, but I won’t say NOTHING!

What would you do if I said anything? Huh? You’d probably just bring it here, and destroy everything and you’d hurt my daughter. She’s not your daughter anymore and I won’t tell her where she is! I won’t tell anyone! You’ll use her to get IT here and I won’t let that happen!

How have I been so stupid?

You were the one who said Yemen was a good place to excavate! How did you know? She told you! Has she taken you there? Not Yemen. THERE!

You’re insane! That’s why you’re insane, because you’ve been THERE! I knew you were! I could see your madness. Everytime, every question you asked, every time you accused me of obsessing over my secrets. Everytime you pressed me to get it out and talk to you. Everytime you objected to my daughter to be sent away to study. Everytime your father pushed me to work harder, to travel and get more relics. They aren’t for exhibitions! He’s no philantropist! I can tell!

I have said enough and you won’t hear from me again. You will not get to me and you will not find anything.

ANYTHING!